i had an appointment with the psychiatrist this morning, so i’ve been trying to self-evaluate a bit. i haven’t caught as many “executive function” errors on the Ritalin, but compared to the Strattera, i feel like there are more zone-out days where i get to late in the day and have no idea what i did. strong sugar cravings in the evening on it and trouble remembering to take the afternoon dose got me switched to the time-release version, the generic of concerta.
in more dots that connected this week… when i went to see In the Heights with a group, several people commented that they’d had a little trouble sitting through it. one friend actually brought knitting, which very minorly annoyed me — i LOVE movies at the cinema, and i especially loved seeing movies in France where the respect for the art is such that i vividly remember hearing the gentle pop of opening a can of soda because no one was talking and their snacks tend to be quieter. that ability to sit doesn’t seem compatible with the ADHD stereotype, right? but i started looking around on the internet… and saw lots of reports of “yeah, movies are fine AS LONG AS I’M INTERESTED.” and it clicked — when i’m at the cinema, something’s compelled me to pay. what happens when i’m NOT interested? i used to inform the spouse when i was feeling a bit tired that it was a good time for an action film so i could “sleep a movie.”
this — understanding hit that my brain’s reaction to boredom ISN’T to get up and rove like the hyperactive variant. i’ve slept through A LOT of class in my lifetime, and even struggle in meetings sometimes. in undergrad, it was so easy to blame bad sleep hygiene… and it WAS a lot worse. but i wasn’t up late at night socializing, i was doing my homework! but… losing so much time during the days doing who knows what. but now that i think about it, even when i was in junior high and high school, i uncontrollably fell asleep in classes.
which led here:
“We all have seen “theta wave intrusion,” in the student in the back of the classroom who suddenly crashes to the floor, having “fallen asleep.” This was probably someone with ADHD who was losing consciousness due to boredom rather than falling asleep. This syndrome is life-threatening if it occurs while driving, and it is often induced by long-distance driving on straight, monotonous roads. Often this condition is misdiagnosed as “EEG negative narcolepsy.” The extent of incidence of intrusive “sleep” is not known, because it occurs only under certain conditions that are hard to reproduce in a laboratory.”
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-sleep-disturbances-symptoms/
as an adult, i’ve generally avoided the embarrassment of falling over by hyper-engaging… i was the administrative assistant sitting in the meeting to take notes, and i’d start asking questions and interacting when it wasn’t terribly appropriate. this approach was PERFECT for phD classes, but answering every rhetorical question and acting like class was supposed to be a conversation really stuck out when i had to take one class that was a mix of undergrads and economics master’s students. since COVID, with virtual meetings, i’ve gotten in the habit of doing my “boring” work during meetings and telling myself i’m more productive that way.
how much time have i wasted, half-believing that i honestly COULDN’T function once i lost long-scale interest in physics and half-believing that if i’d just tried harder it would’ve been fine? or with the dissertation? i don’t expect medications to fix it all, and if i’m honest i don’t regret too hard that i didn’t ever tie up loose ends and get the degrees even after the feeling of vocation leaked away, but knowing that there’s something in my brain chemistry that has major explanatory power and whose patterns can be better understood feels big. like maybe it’s not so necessary to carefully limit ambitions and convince myself that i never wanted things anyway when they start to seem out of reach.